yeah well..i don't think i've ever written about my mom..
and i rarely write it in my diary too.. yeah tomoko has a diary made out of paper..
the diary is maybe..a year or two older than this blog..
why i don't write about her? because it's painful..so it hurts during the incident..and it hurts more to write it down..and reading the incident back in my diary brings back pain again..so there..
but felt like writing this out..
i think i'm a good enough daughter..compared to..like..the kids my aunts and uncles got..
i think i'm pretty good..i didn't steal money..i didn't run away from home.. i barely talk back..i don't go flirting around with gangster-ish guys..
well..yeah i'm not smart..nor talented..just the average kinda bodoh girl.
but hey.. at least i didn't do anything bad right??
if i were to write about my mom..full length story.. i don't think blogger can support that large amount of words xD
i'm not saying that i've a bad mom..she's actually really good..she manages the family cash well..cares about our healthy diet..fetch us from school bla bla..does the housework and all..
yeah..my mom is a smart person..used to get top 5 in school..or top 3...
mhmm..minus the fact that..70% of the time she asks u to do something or talks to you is like screaming or..the tone of her voice sounds like *i don't feel like talking to you* or *i'm forced to talk to you* used to it edi..ok ok i'm starting to talk about it edi..so let's get to the main thing i wanted to blog about..
so i went back home..i tried to be normal and all..was watching tv and laughing..
so i was trying to forget about it during the moment..coz thinking about it makes me wanna start tearing.. and then daddy called me to cut the fruits..to eat..
so i went to the kitchen..i mean..without the tv and comedy..how to laugh?
so i had the sad look on my face...mix with a little anger..
it was more of the emo look..
so my mom came in..and she saw my face like that.. and she said..
'i ask you to cut fruits only..you give that kind of look..very hard to cut fruits now is it? your dad and i go out and work..we get tired too..and u expect us to serve you back? we work and earn money for who? how old are you? 18 years we serve you until now u so big edi..u can't even do little things for us? how can we expect you to take care of us when we're old? we're gonna be left to rot and die?'
well i couldn't take it the moment she started her first 5secs and i started crying..
i mean..i was pretty upset due to the previous problems and she comes here telling me shit stuff like that? and i just continue cutting the fruits and left the kitchen..
and i really wanted to tell her.. i had some problems today and they upset me..but i never tell my mom anything..because she never listens..yeah that's what all teens say..
but she said it herself..she's not the kinda mother who's gonna have heart to heart talks with her kid..
so i didn't tell and i went of silently..and today..i realize..yeah i'm sorry if i really did give that rude look like i'm forced to cut the fruits..but the thing is.. i didn't..
and i'm sorry..for my mom..because..after 18 years of raising me..
she can't differentiate when i'm sad and when i'm showing a rude face..
and i'm sad for her..that my friends know more about me..
and they care to call me up and ask me if i'm okay..
yeah..it's been like that since i was young..that's why when i was a small kid i had suicidal thoughts..they were just thoughts coz i never had the courage to do it..
i was scared i'd go to hell and not meet God..not the pain..
i grew up to ignore and to tell myself..hey..i don't need to tell her about me..
because she doesn't wanna hear..
and it hurts so bad everytime something like that happens..that my heart actually hurts..
and it hurts so effin much to know that..i'm hurt because i love my mom..
whether i want to or not..
coz if i don't love her, i won't want her to acknowledge me..
and sad to say..after so many years.. 10-12years of training my self not to care..
i still do..it's just a happy thing to know that.. it doesn't hurt as much anymore ^^
my heart doesn't throb in pain when i cry..
nice!
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